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Morning Coffee-What Is Intimacy?

When I write about a particular subject I like to lookup
the definition, but I can’t find one that resonates with me. It all feels like bullcrap to me. Yes, you can be intimate in a sexual relationship, but is that intimacy or just a part of it? The more I hangout with men and women and intimacy comes within the relationship I find it usually gets to a certain point and then it’s over. I have been in different healing and spiritual communities and have had some intimate relationships with the people involved, but I find over and over again once we move on, the intimacy disappears and the interest is gone in getting together. Can people only be intimate within community? And, if you are not within a community do you have intimate relationships?. Is it the common bond and safety within community that people need to feel intimate with another? What I ‘m saying is that I ‘m disappointed. I ‘ve had expectations about intimacy and the expectations have gotten in the way. I have had moments of intimacy with myself , others, but it’s been momentary, that’s it. I want more. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to know these things that I have experienced. But when it comes to reaching out to others it’s painful. It’s constant disappointment because of the expectations. Can I just drop the expectations and be in the moment? Can you? I’ve been very disappointed in relationships. They just haven’t been what I thought they would be. Where can I go with this? Well, I guess I will write about having a hard time writing about this. Usually I dive right into something but this subject matter seems to be tough. I feel stuck. Really stuck to write about it. There is so much I feel and want to say and I don’t know where to go from here. All the relationships seem to end badly. I must say as I have grown older when the relationship is over I truly feel I’ve added more to that person’s life then they had before I met them. I don’t know if I feel that way about the other person. In the past I have always ended the love relationships I have been in, but recently someone ended it with me. I felt tossed away like a piece of used tissue. We were together for 2 l/2 years, experienced a great deal of intimacy and then one day saying quite callously to me on the phone “I have met someone else. I don’t know how it will turnout but I want you to be my friend and I want you to stick around in case it doesn’t work out.” That was a new one for me. I didn’t stick around. Closed the door on him and never looked back. It was that amount of callousness that truly disturbed me. I don’t know if I can write about this topic any longer. Perhaps I need to change my focus. I ‘m a woman. He was a little boy. He even told me so. He said he liked being a little boy. When I go into something I give it my all, and I expect the other person to be that way, but guess what. Most people don’t want to give it their all, and right now that pisses me off. Oh, I thought I would write something meaningful and profound, and this is turning out to be self- centered bullshit, at least some of it, but I am going to keep on trying with this piece and really try to see if something good comes out of it. I also feel this piece has to do with not giving up on myself and going through the struggle. There is authenticity in the struggle and in not giving up no matter what. Communication is another key to intimacy and if it’s not there, it doesn’t seem likely that anything will ever change or grow. I recall in this relationship if I shared some of the things that were bothering me, nothing would change, and I began to realize that this person was so consumed with his own life that nothing else mattered. Anyway, how could I expect a little boy to change, only a man can do that. It’s really funny because we had a disagreement one day and actually did work it out and he thanked me for truly seeing him. Most of the time we cannot truly see the other person we are with because we are all coming from our own histories, wounds, clouded interpretations of them. Many times I say to myself “why doesn’t he/she see what I am seeing?” Which is quite funny, because how could they? Our histories are so different.
Once upon a time there was a young girl that didn’t understand intimacy and as she grew into full maturity she began to see that their were moments, special times, but they were fleeting and impermanent, and she became very sad when she saw the truth. This little girl also realized when she became a full blown woman that she had a great capacity to love, but that was just the thing that most people that came in and out of her life were afraid of.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, May 22nd, 2010 at 4:42 pm and is filed under Industry News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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