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Marriage Isn’t Already Gay Enough? by Paul Schulkind

Our guest writer today is Paul Schulkind. Having a wise and bigger view on allowing gay marriages, with a touch of humor about all of it. Perhaps making gay marriages legal will teach us all something and how to appreciate each other again. You make that choice yourself after reading this article. We loved it and wanted to share it with you, so here it goes and thank you Paul.

It must be all those Sociology courses in college that lead so many of you to want to tinker with even institutions barely surviving their mistakes and challenges. So today, there is an outcry to change all ready precarious marriage to include otherwise happily gay couples.
I mean, let’s get this ‘straight.’ Larry King is on his eighth divorce. Elizabeth Taylor may be getting married for the ninth time. Britney Spears had a 55-hour marriage. Jesse James and Tiger Woods have reinvigorated the whole concept of extra-marital sex. So, my goodness, you think it was easy for the institution of American marriage to develop its many complications and to thrive on its many perversions. It took years to get past Donna Reed and the Father who Knew Best. Polygamy is finally outlawed but persists and even has its own TV show, “Big Love.” If you ask me, the problem in marriage these days is Too Much Love. Marriage has also had to survive its “open” versions, Plato’s Retreat, and key parties in New Canaan. There are also two-week wife-swapping, again on TV, and all kinds of so-called” mixed marriages of every disorienting stripe.
And you want to add same-gender couples to all this? Who knows what the effect of that would be on an institution all ready barely able to survive massive divorce rates and “babymammas?” Mightn’t it ruin everything?

Oh sure, you’re calling for equality and civil rights. Very lofty and admirable – and very abstract. But realistically, given the fragility of all nuptials, think about how gay marriage would actually work. Would we end up with same-sex respondents in divorces? What kind of courtroom experience would it be if everyone there were, for example, guys? The court would be more like a locker room and probably no longer good TV entertainment. And what about custody battles? How can the courts be prejudiced in favor of mothers if there aren’t any? What if we can’t even be sure which side is the mother?

Right now, there couldn’t be anything more unnatural than our normal mixed marriages — partnerships between opposite genders. Jeez. The strains and headaches that result have generated tremendous economic activity, what with shrinks, lawyers, life coaches, Oprah, even Dr. Phil from Texas. So, what happens if it turns out that same-sex marriages are far more compatible than the absurd formula we now have? It would ruin all the mishegas we’ve worked so hard to create.

I can see it now. So far, today, a stranger can ask another, “Ya’ married?” and the other answers, “Oh, yeah.” The two immediately understand each other, the pain and the frustration. They automatically share a universal bond that transcends all other barriers.

But if marriage is reformed to be more logical, to include earnest young spouses of the same gender who understand each other and share the same attitudes to partnership, then what? Then, nothing. The short conversation of the two strangers above will have no meaning, no impact at all. To say one’s married will be vanilla, not remarkable in any way. It won’t bond two men or two women with the understanding of each’s other’s plight. They’ll just smile meaninglessly and move on.

Are we really to go down this slippery slope? Well, just in case, I shall tonight be true to my own institutional vows and have a nice big fight with my wife!

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This entry was posted on Monday, December 20th, 2010 at 1:24 am and is filed under Industry News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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